Nothing holds me here

In our study course we do a semester abroad after two years. I’m going to Sweden this August. Nothing holds me here.

A friend of mine who is going to Costa Rica has her boyfriend back home and she is not happy about having to go. Me, on the other hand, I cannot wait. I want to get out of this city, away from people. I want to make new friends and connect more to myself than before. Sometimes, I catch myself thinking in the same ways my mum would: You shouldn’t stay, you should go home, get some sleep, you have to get up early. And I obey. It’s hard to distance yourself from thought patterns you have known all your life.

I struggle a lot with my mental health, especially since it is exam phase at the moment. Distance is not the cure, but it can help. By saying I don’t want anyone to visit me there, I have pissed off many people. But I need this time alone, I need to fix my head.

When we stay at home we often don’t live up to our full potential. We have the same people around us even though we know that they don’t support our dreams. When you seek out for new friends, you can choose those who will encourage you to aim high. You can reveal things about yourself that you did not dare to, back home. You become truer to yourself and to others.

Nothing holds me here. I am torn between two faces: The lonely, sad, exhausted; the energetic, hopeful, inspired. The days I crawl up in bed become more frequent. The weight on my chest becomes larger. The clouds darken my sky. And I want to be the second one, I want to change the world. I want to write and dream and meet people. I want to sing and dance and laugh.

Nothing holds me here.

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